Baby, I'm a Star

Something cool happened to me yesterday. I, Postcards of the Hanging, and my penis were prominently featured on the radio. Okay, it was Internet radio. But I'm still pretty goddamn impressed with myself. My penis is pretty impressed with me, too. That's a fairly significant difference from the usual state affairs, which is my being impressed with my penis.

Anyhow, The Western Standard has a radio show called The Hotroom, featuring Mike Brock and my friend, the great Jay Currie.

During Thursday night's episode, Jay broke off a discussion of the current Conservative Party attack ads against Michael Ignatieff to raise my incredibly brilliant insights about l'affaire Dhalla. My most recent post on the matter was quoted at some length. And none of my "no-no" words were censored. Hearing somebody else - one of Canada's biggest bloggers, nonetheless - quoting my use of the word "cocksucker" in a broadcast is something that I wish my father was alive to hear. He would either be really proud, or hit me in the face with a brick.

Needless to say, I was thrilled by this because even though I'm a self-loathing narcissist, the narcissism is always dominant. Even though I despise everything about being me, I like hearing my own words being read back to me on the radio for the same reason I masturbate seven times a day: I'm my type.

However, I will admit that it is disconcerting hearing grown men talking about my penis on the radio. I'm not saying that it's necessarily wrong, it's was flattering for us both, but it can be rather jarring if you don't expect it. Frankly, I always thought my cock would become a star in video long before radio caught on. That just goes to show you what I know about the media.

As you can see from the picture to the right, I have the perfect face for radio. And, like Leonard Cohen before me, I was born with the gift of a golden voice. Despite my monstrous facial deformities, I'm a beautifully seductive man. Think Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor, and you'll know what I mean.

That's why I should have my own radio show. I had one in college, but everyone was off campus when I was on the air, and I used most of my air time screaming about what an incompetent bitch my program director was. You really had to be there, I suppose.

By the way, did you know that people get really uptight if you follow a Prince song with something by, say, Black Sabbath? And if you engage in a five minute monologue about how "War Pigs" is your ideal bridal march, they get decidedly more uptight. People actually will wave their fists at your soundproofed studio window, trust me.

If I were privileged enough to have my own radio show today, I think I would bring a little more to the table than "War Pigs." I would devote an entire series of shows to the wonderfulness that is the new book, Secret Identity: The Fetish Art of Superman's Co-creator Joe Shuster.

I just got the book today, but I'm pretty sure that it is the reason that Gutenberg invented the printing press.

As the title of Secret Identity suggests, Joe Shuster was the Canadian artist who created Superman. After being royally fucked over by DC Comics, Shuster entered a dark, hungry period of drawing a Fifties fuck book called "Nights of Horror." "Nights of Horror" consisted mostly of men and women whipping, beating, and generally threatening sexual violence upon one another. What should hardly be shocking is that those men and women not infrequently resemble Superman and Lois Lane.

"Nights of Horror" was banned by the United States Supreme Court in Kingsley Books, Inc. v. Brown after it was tied to the the violence of - get this - a group of Jewish neo-Nazis Called the Brooklyn Thrill Killers.

Superman. Fuck books. The United States Supreme Court. Jewish neo-Nazis.

You know what? Screw Jesus, I think we've found the new Greatest Story Ever Told. And that, my teenage friends, is what Internet radio should be all about.

But I'm going wildly off-message, aren't I? I'm told that it's part of my charm.

I'd really like to thank Jay Currie for making me, my blog and my penis famous, and Mike Brock for tolerating it as long as he did.

If you want to hear my five minutes of fame, go to the iTunes store, select "podcasts" and search for The Hotroom. I'm mentioned on the May 14th edition, about 25 minutes in, but you should listen to the entire thing because anyone who loves me should support anything thing that makes me famous.

And know that I'm 23 times better than the rest of you are. I had it scientifically measured. You're not going to argue with science, are you?